Round 1 Part 2 - Let's get it on!

Carlo Bena vs David Liddicoat

El Mucho Bueno (Carlo Bena) came into this fight having come up through the ranks on the tough streets of Tijuana. He brought his unique Mexican Judo fighting technique to square off against the fighter with one of the most intimidating names ever heard: Freckles, the Christmas Kangaroo (David Liddicoat).

Freckles was on his game from the beginning, confusing Bena with random jumps, quick jabs, and timely insults. At one point, he called out El Mucho Bueno and said that his bodybuilder physique was just a show. Bena was in no mood to be told his pectorals weren’t impressive and lunged at his opponent. This was the first step of the “Viva la Raza” triple shank and Liddicoat knew his time was limited. Freckles countered with the “Tim Tam Slam”, which, depending when and how you say it, can represent a fighting move, a cookie, or simply a dirty phrase. In this case, it pertained to fighting and it was something to behold. Bena dropped to his knees begging for mercy, but Liddicoat wouldn’t hear it. He slammed down on Bena on watched as El Mucho Bueno writhed in pain. The fight was over and Freckles was on to the next fight.

TYSON WOODRUFF VS. WESTON POPE

Twilight.

A deserted alley in a remote Mongolian city.

Silence.

The Agent (Tyson Woodruff) had been here before. He had nothing to fear. He stood motionless as a dark silhouette emerged from behind a nearby fence and stepped towards him. Known to The Agent only as Raptor (Weston Pope), this unique foe had dark plans for The Agent that night. Unfortunately, Raptor underestimated The Agent’s training.

As Raptor lifted his arm to remove the hood veiling his face, The Agent acted. Assuming the arm lift to be the beginning of Raptor’s attack (and not caring if it really was), The Agent slipped a quick punch to the nerve cluster on the inside of the Raptor’s raised arm, startling him. Nanoseconds later, The Agent followed with a swift eye gouge, knocking Raptor slightly off balance. Needing to regroup, Raptor pulled the injured arm back towards his body. As that arm came back, The Agent grabbed the wrist to pull this arm towards him, and with amazing force slammed his forearm into Raptor’s held arm just above the elbow, shattering it. With his free inside hand, The Agent then delivered a crushing blow to Raptor’s windpipe, sliding effortlessly behind the Raptor’s now silent, suffering body. Another half second passed before The Agent stomped on the back of Raptor’s knee, driving him to the ground and destroying the knee in the process. But one step remained, and as Raptor struggled to make sense of the last four seconds, The Agent leaned in and with one effortless move, snapped Raptor’s neck and dropped him to the ground.

Twilight, one minute later. Silence still. A bum wanders into the alley to find Raptor’s body. No trace of The Agent. He already knows the location of his next foe.

ADAM WANKIER VS. DEREK MUAINA

Derek was no fool. He couldn’t let anyone who referred to himself as a wank defeat him. No, so play dirty he would. Having agreed to fight at dawn on the bridge connecting the Law School to the Wilkinson Center, Derek concocted a plan. He showed up at midnight the night before with 30 of his closest friends, eager to see where they might sabotage the bridge or hide weapons. As Derek, or Smooth Nitro as they called him, stood on the sidewalk examining the bridge supports, he heard the roar of a motorcycle engine behind him.

The Winning Wank gunned his Harley up the sidewalk towards Nitro. As he jumped from its path, Wank threw himself headfirst from the bike, connecting a wicked head butt to the center of Nitro’s right temple. As Nitro fell to the ground, blood gushing from the open wound, The Winning Wank used a Matrix-like body roll and flip to land on his feet. He bent down to interlock his hands around Nitro’s neck in a triangle choke hold.

“Any last words?” Nitro could muster none. “Just three for you then . . . who’s your daddy?” And The Winning Wank began to squeeze.

Moral of this story: you can’t out-dirty a guy named Wank. You try to pull some tricks at midnight, he’ll be there at 11, waiting.

Paul Rowley vs Mike Esselman

Unlike the battle between Mike Baer and Jim Fowler, there was no need for intervention in this fight. Neither fighter needed encouragement – they were both ready for a good battle. Esselman showed up to the fight with a costume that only he could assemble. His shirt simply stated “There is one intelligent Nascar Fan in the world… it’s me”. Even though this was a t-shirt, Mike also had on a tie (you’ve always got to be ready for business), making others doubt that the statement on his shirt was in fact true or not. Mike was bouncing off the walls with various rambled shouts that only he could understand. The crowd wondered how much caffeine this man had ingested before the battle… but they did not know – he hadn’t had any. His energy was simply unmatched and could not be contained. By the time Paul arrived to the match, Mike was sprinting in circles around the ring.

As Paul entered the ring, Mike began running circles around him. At one point in his ramblings he was heard to yell “I don’t need no stinkin’ wings to fly!!”. Suddenly he stopped in front of Paul and stared him in the eye. He had grabbed Paul’s finger and was smiling ever so slightly. “What is that?” asked Paul. “This is the dreaded Wuxi Finger Hold. SKADOOSH!” Mike tried to complete his move, but nothing happened. In all of his speed and might, Mike had miscalculated which finger to grab. His move was useless. Confused, Mike did the only thing he knew to do – he pulled down Paul’s pants. But this move only confused him more. Paul was wearing cut-off Jean shorts under his pants. He was a never-nude. With his secret out, Paul was enraged even more. “This is for all the never-nudes in the world!” He shouted. With that, he picked Mike up and shaped him into a ball. He had begun his cornballer move. “Scott!” He yelled. And Scott Maxfield emerged from the crowd with a vat of hot oil. Paul gently tossed Mike into the vat and the battle was over. Paul was victorious and Mike was happily taking a swim in his greasy bubble bath.

Round 1 Part 1 - The Results are IN!!!

Steve Sawaya vs Ronell Hugh

The battle between the Dragon Warrior (Steve Sawaya) and Black Mamba (Kobe Bryant… I mean Ronell Hugh) was by far the closest battle of round one – in fact this battle was determined by ONE vote. If you didn’t vote, make sure you do… your vote can make the difference. Who will be your American Idol….um…. MBA Fighter Champion? Back to the battle.

This fight began long before it was actually supposed to be scheduled. Both fighters were involved in a weekly pick-up basketball game. The games were normally very intense, but this last Friday, the tension was so thick, it could be cut with a knife. Ronell was on one team, Steve was on the other and they were selected to guard each other. Each knew of the battle that was scheduled, making this game all the more intense. After a few times up and down the court, each fighter knew that this was no longer a basketball game, this was THE FIGHT. Black Mamba acted first. As the Dragon Warrior dribbled down the court, Black Mamba hit him with the dreaded Blazing Caribbean Fist. Immediately, Steve burst out into flames. Ronell looked around with a smile. Surely his opponent had been vanquished. As he looked around, one of his teammates asked “Um… don’t you think that was a little excessive. Just go for the ball next time.” With that Ronell used the Blazing Caribbean Fist on his teammate and taught him a lesson he will never forget. Don’t mess with Ronell. Fortunately for Steve, as he was blazing with fire, he remembered the words of his kindergarten teacher “Stop. Drop and Roll.” And that’s just what he did. Within seconds the flames were out and he was on his feet. He turned to see Ronell using the Blazing Caribbean Fist on his own teammate. As Ronell laughed with power he turned to look at his vanquished opponent, but as he turned Steve quickly grabbed his finger in the Wuxi Finger Hold. Ronell’s eyes widened in fear. “How?” He whispered. “Kindergarten” and that was the last thing Ronell heard. The battle was over – no one escapes the Wuxi Finger hold. Steve was victorious.

Moroni Schwab vs Dallan Huff

This battle featured plenty of theatrics from both participants. From the beginning, it was more mental than physical. Hoping to psyche his opponent out, Moroni attempted to emulate his namesake and showed up with a sword, a cimeter, a loincloth and not much else. Not wanting to be outdone by the “Stripling Warrior”, Dallan “The Pain Train” Huff came in an outfit of his own. His mighty frame was squeezed into blue and white overalls and he had a matching conductor hat.

Schwab wasted no time and attacked first. He bellowed out that he was fighting for his “home, liberty, wife and children.” This proclamation startled Huff and he yelled out, ‘you have children Moroni?” At this, Moroni stopped his attack, thought for a moment and realized no, he didn’t have children. He was fighting in vain. This hesitation was all the ‘Pain Train’ needed. He began to make incessant “choo-choo” sounds as he slammed his opponent over and over into the wall. No fighter had ever come back from the feared ‘runaway train’ finishing move and today was no different. The battle was over and Dallan stood victorious.

Justin Wood vs. Wagner Dias

This battle was more than just fighter against fighter. This was country against country, culture against culture. American Justin Wood, aka ‘Juice’ quickly demonstrated that size alone would not dictate the outcome of this fight. Despite giving up 6 inches and 80 pounds to his Brazilian counterpart, Wood performed admirably. He used a combination of punches and crane kicks to quickly subdue Dias. As Dias laid on the ground, Wood prepared to finish him off with his signature move, the ‘orange crush.’ As he sat up to initiate the move, a strange screaming noise could be heard in the distance. The screaming got closer and closer, and Wood could only make out the words “Rodizio. . . skewer” Panic set in as ‘Juice’ realized that the high-pitched screams were being uttered in Portuguese.

As Justin looked up, he saw 4 fighters wearing lucha libre masks hovering over him. Their faces were covered, but when Justin heard Wagner exclaim, “Fernando, Rodrigo, Edgar, Felipe”, he knew it was over. Rodrigo yelled, “Brazil will be home to the World Cup in 2014, the Olympics in 2016 and we will also be home to the MBA fighting champion! Long live Brazil! With that, the favela-trained fighters attacked and the Brazilian Bulldozer lived to see another day.

Jim Fowler vs Mike Baer

“Peace and Harmony in the Universe”. Jim stared at Mike. Mike stared Jim. Neither fighter really wanted to fight, but the crowd was chanting and urging the fighters to attack. Jim was nervous, he didn’t like violence and was involuntarily put into this tournament. The best thing he could muster was to say “Peace and harmony in the universe.” Mike was okay with a good battle, but he could see that Jim really didn’t want to fight. As an extremely nice person, Mike couldn’t bring himself to attack Jim when his opponent was clearly such a peaceful person, so both were stuck in the ice-like staring contest. 5 minutes passed. The crowd became restless. 30 minutes passed and the boos began to fly. Mike and Jim were both sweating and their eyes were really red. Seriously, have you ever had a staring contest for 30 minutes? Suddenly, an enraged fan emerged from the crowd and jumped into the battlefield. She was armed with only her fists and a rage that only she could possess. The Amazon Warrior, Erin Page quickly seized Jim and lifted him over her head and slammed him to the ground. She then turned to Mike, the Grizzly Assassin. Not wanting the same fate as his opponent, Mike conceded “Fine, I’ll finish him up”. With her arms crossed, Erin stood over Jim and impatiently waited for Mike to finish the battle. In a confusing twist of arms and legs, Mike quickly had Jim in the dreaded Three-legged monkey. ‘Noooo. Only peace’ , thought Jim, but all that emerged from his mouth was a monkey like cry. With the sound of the monkey, the crowd knew the battle was over. Mike, the Grizzly Assassin was victorious and the Amazon Warrior’s hunger for battle had been appeased... for now.